hejola report for 01312017

Hejola report for 01312017.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, Texas. Hello I am Jonathon Barrios, Bill is on assignment, and now for our barrio award winning headline news:

Barrio protest pigs.

Conjunto dance breaks out into a brawl!

And now some darn good news.

The barrio leaders just decided to leave all the Christmas decorations all year round to keep the hood in a joyful mode.

Look everybody knows that If you go to a conjunto dance an see the most beautiful woman sitting by herself, wouldn’t  you think she had a date? When have you ever gone to a dance a saw a woman sitting there by herself that good looking , never? Ok so that was the case con el compadre Juan Luna who was by the way a bit drunk, saw this beautiful woman and found it too dam easy to ask her to dance.  Well as he walked to the table where she was sitting, her husband Big John Boy, an ex-professional barrio wrestler, a six foot and several inches tall man weighting at least 325 pounds came from behind and grab el compadre by the ears and dang him across the dance floor knocking several other tables down causing them folks to jump on the big man back. Before you know it he was carrying about five persons on his back all trying to beat him up. Big John finally made it to the front door of the dance hall where he was able to shake all them other folks off his back and beat the chit out of all of them. No charges were file but Big John will have to pay for damaged made to the place. Oh by the way the moral of the story is don’t pick the most pretty one out to dance, I am sure has some one with her, dance with the ones that are as not attractive!

 

Yesterday and this morning a ton of two people protested at our office concerning the remarks we made or the news story we wrote about pigs being allowed in the hood. The protest was amid at the way we wrote the story about how those pigs will be treated as pets and how they will be treated after they are not wanted any more.  Our director Bill Diaz approached the protesters with a few words “get lost punks before we call the cops”. No word if those protestors will come back.

Ok raza have a great Tejano day…

hejola report for 01302017

Hejola report for 01302017.
Cchwnn.
Kingsville, Texas. hello again I am Bill Diaz con today’s award winning barrio headline news:
Barrio new jobs open at D’ American made pig farm.
El compadre opens up a “Let me dress your pig when it’ ready”....
And finally two barrio members arredted but one arrested; drunk as pig!
You know being an officer of the law can be challenging sometime and that was the case this pasted weekend says el Constable Cadena. He told us que this weekend he had to arrest a man or let’s say a person that looked like a pig when asked question about who he was or where was it from? The constable told us que he had to arrest him or it due to the fact it was as drunk as a pig. After a few hours of questioning the drunk or it turned out to be a real pig dressed like a person. Charges will be file against two of the men and it will be raffled off.
Today members of the local barrio welcome wagon and barrio leaders cut a red ribbon on the opening of the first ever D’ AMERICAN MADE PIG FARM. The purpose is to encourage barrio resident to raise pigs inside the city limits and offset any cost they might have when they buy pork. Off course says the owner Juan Gomez, every family will be limited to about twenty pigs per family members that would be allowed to have inside the barrio city limits. We are very excited and do claim que having pigs in your home has a medical value. Huh. Some barrio members were worried about the smell them pigs might leave, but many others responded by saying that smell you smell is a smell of money!
El compadre Simon Se’mon told us que now he can use that degree he got from the barrio school trade in opening the first Slaughter home on this side of tracks. He told us que there were several reasons why now; since the D’AMERICAN MADE PIG FARM, has been approved and many barrio members will be purchases a whole lot of pigs, there will come a day when they will have to put them pigs to rest. He promised to do the best dressing you have ever seen a butcher do on a pig. Prices will vary based on the size of your pig! Keep el barrio great again!
Ok raza have a great piggy day..

tejano barrio non scientific study 2009.

Tejano Barrio non scientific unintelligent study 2009 results.

A look at the past news in 2009!!!!!

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, TX. Buenas days, I am La china Cano de china Nuevo Leon con a tejano barrio non scientific unintelligent study for 2008. We launched the study with the intention to show how unintelligent many of us are. Really, how dumb can a real smart barrio person be? These are the questions that I plan on answering con esta study. But first let me set the record straight. It took lots of elements to prepare for this study and it took chingos de time and beer to get folks to participate con las questions we had for them. But all and all here are our conclusions the seven questions.

1.We determined que raza that do more dancing at dances are less fat than raza que only go to dances and sit and watch and drink beer and eat chips.

2. We determined que many barrio adults still believe que children like clowns. We found out que, young people as old as 16 years of age dislike the use of barrio clowns for any kind of functions. Furthermore, many younger children are frightened by barrio clowns, especially at free dances.

3. We determined que many barrio women don’t like to be told they look fat in that one dress she always wears to ever freaking free dance. It’s fun but a large amount of men will lie when asked by la commadre que “do I look fat in this honey”. Depending on how dumb you are compadre, few men when they are honest, are dumped by their girlfriends or la commadre.

4. we determined que many tejano dance goers think que many bars and dance halls owners over charge on beer, mix drinks, cokes and set ups and figure que if they can sneak in a beer or two will be ok. Even try a sneak a bottle of some favor alcohol and mix their own. Many believe that it is acceptable.

5. We determined que those vato’s that go to dances who consider themselves bullies and are always looking for fights are really disengaged and lack compassion for their victims and feel guilt for their actions regardless if they get their ass kicked.

6. we determined que people who work at tejano bars that are surrounded by alcohol have more alcohol problems, compared to persons in other industry, such as but not limited to let’s say clergy. It’s the proximity to and the availability of alcohol was partly to blame for why tejano bartenders and waitresses like their tips….

7. We determined que many tejanos on line are not so honest, and are less likely to make a match. Tejanos know and have known que those matches don’t last, due to the fact que they are unsuitable partners. We can safely say que never assume things are the way they seem online, especially chicks that dye their hair cherry red!!!!

There you have and we want to thank all la raza that helped us put it together.

I am La china cano de china nueva leon.

westinghouse barrio mall newsletter for 1/27/2017

Westinghouse barrio mall newsletter for 1/27/2017.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, TX. Hello again I am Gloria Guerra con this week’s mall newsletter. Well if the shit wasn’t enough where the city, county, and state people took it on their own to start knocking the hood down, and planning on raiding several streets and so on, well con todo esto the mall was also effected, now with that report here is alcardio samudio.

Si Gloria drug and law enforcement officers along con el constable cadena raided several stores here at the mall. El senior MI casa Es su casa restaurant owner got busted for selling weed here in the mall. My god what the hell is wrong con el compadre casas. Chinga if la raza didn’t have it so bad already and now give our mall a bad name, and selling weed, dang.

In addition to all this Gloria, Martha Gomez owner of Martha’s nail and curls were also raided for selling hot stuff. Chinga what else could have happen. Furthermore, j.j. Sanchez owner of JJ videos and cd also were raided for selling hot stuff and pirate tapes of commadres making a few extra bucks on her side! All and all Gloria ten people were arrested con esta raid at the mall.

Si thank al. the law dogs didn’t even warn us here que the raid was coming. So that made everyone here at the mall very nervous and a bit worried. Anyhow we will see how many of the charges will hold, BUT besides that let’s go to our man in the mall our mall mascot mr. turkey:

Mr turkey here gobble gobble there and sometime gobble gobble there and here and  let’s say que gobble here and gobble there ok Gloria, Gobble!

Ok mr. turkey by the way we will be having our first mascot day coming in a few weeks so be looking for that. Sure will Gobble…

Now for our future plans for the mall, none!

I am Gloria Guerra here at the Westinghouse barrio mall .

hejola report for 01262017

Hejola report for 01262017.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, TX. Hi again, I am bill Diaz con today’s award winning barrio headline news:

Other breed de raza moves into the hood.

Barrio spelling Bee canceled.

And finally, constable cadena reelected for two more years.

Well its official el constable cadena got reelected again for his fifth term as el barrio constable. He got 250 votes out 35 possible votes. The election recount committees refuse to do a recount since no one ran again him. Congratulations Mr. Cadena.

In other news,Yesterday afternoon the annual barrio spelling Bee was canceled when all twenty contestants failed to spell one word. The judges felt que they were doing the right thing in cancelling this event when none of the twenty couldn’t spell “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. One of the judges told us que next year they plan on starting the contest con some easy words, such as you, him, and her and so on. From there I thing we can work our way up to bigger words.

And finally,Yesterday afternoon the barrio was shocked to find at least three new families that could actually read and write the way we are suppose too move into the hood this past month. La familia yosabatodo and yosaque told this reporter that they just can’t stand folks that were in school and college and got a masters degree and still can’t spell or write for shit. These new families will address the barrio leaders at their next meeting with their concerns sometime around 2033.

To all those that hate us or love us, have a great tejano day

barrio literacy and writer prize award winner for 2016

CHICANO CABLE HOT WIRED NEWS NETWORK WINS AGAIN 2016.

BARRIO LITERACY AND WRITER PRIZE AWARD WINNER FOR 2016, the creator Daniel Lopez.

 

 Kingsville,tx. Hello again mi raza I am bill diaz con today’s award winning barrio headline news. We are waiting for our creator to make his acceptations speech for this year’s “2016 BARRIO LITERACY AND WRITER PRIZE AWARD WINNER”. Now here is Gloria Guerra:

Hello raza I am Gloria Guerra here at the mall y Si bill we are so excited que our creator is the recipient of this year’s barrio literacy and writer prize award winner for 2016 AGAIN.                                                                                 

Now let’s go and review  Daniel  acceptations speech:

Thank you mi raza, tejanos, TEXmex, chicano, latinos y bill collectors, First of all I would like to accept this nonmonetary prize in behave of all my staff and myself for the long selfish hours we spend working on trying to uncover some deeper truths about life and about ourselves .

 In our studies we try to study life stories of our la raza as well as our experience as la raza and what we go through life. Did you know que we have realized que there are more interesting truths to be revealed than to be found in el barrio in it as in ourselves.

We here at Chicano Cable hot-wired News Network believe in the deconstructionism of our English language, as long as you clean up after you’re done. And we do not believe that masterpieces do exist, nor do we want them to. We prefer the glory of brilliant mistakes, because without mistakes one will never really learn the englisss language. And thanks to the internet we have been able to accomplish this.

I am chicano and I can speak and spell englisss any way I want to, mi entiendes  mendez, Thank you and god be with you .

Daniel lopez creator .

hejola report for 01252017

Hejola report for 01252017.

 Cchwnn.

 

Kingsville,tx. Hello again raza como estan, I am Bill Diaz con today’s award winning barrio headline news:

 Talking Parrot returned to pet shop, talks a lot chit.

 Complaint states que Barrio nursing home acting as a prostitution institution.

 And finally seniors line up for tax purposes.

Hello raza just wanted to let you know that this not real news, ok it’s a satire, and if you believe that its real news, than you’re a bigger moron than us!

Our own barrio community center is at it again, by entertaining “Claim a se...nior day” this coming weekend. If you didn’t already know que every year the center invites the public to come by and check out a senior citizen for the weekend. Now what are the benefits? Besides doing a good deed it also allows you to claim them on your irs tax form for 2016. So if you haven’t filed your income tax and looking for that special deduction, come on by and check out a senior. It just could save you chingos.

 Yesterday el constable cadena and some of his staff were called to “el barrio pet shop” where it seemed que a fight broke out among the owner of the shop and a customer. It seems that the customer had bought a talking parrot and he seemed to be a well matter bird there at the shop, but when the parrot got to his new home, that was a whole different bird. The customer told this reporter que this parrot talked a lot chit and said just too many bad words. Once the customer took the parrot back for a refund the owner showed the customer a sign that said “no refunds on sales, especially the talking parrot”. That’s went the customer slapped the shop owner. The constable took the parrot in for questioning. It seems like the parrot was the only witness. No arrest so far.

 And finally seems que el constable cadena and his barrio task force 666, were at the “El Centro for old folks” again after a few complaints from its residents que lots of regularly schedule visits were sex workers. The barrio nursing home has been in trouble before but for other questionable activities, like nude volleyball and nude checkers. El constable is trying to track the caller’s that made the complaints. The constable will set up a special room there at the home to interview the questionable sex workers for move evidence. Oh by the way there was no evidence que a special yellow sock was being place on the door for privacy, it turned out to be  green.

 Ok raza have a great Tejano day