hejola report for 07292016

Hejola report for 07292016

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,tx. Hello again mi raza como estan, I am David Duran con today’s award winning barrio headline news:

Monkeys escape from barrio zoo.

Several family relatives held for questioning y being feyos.

And finally, barrio members escape serious injuries on their way to a debate.

Yesterday several folks plan on attending a debating between two men and a woman from the other side of the tracks, but as the barrio members planned on crossing the tracks their car stalled in the middle of the tracks and were unable to move it while the railroad train approached. They managed to pull all twenty people and one monkey out of the car before the train rammed their 1979 two door ford coop. No one was injured but all twenty managed to get to the debate on time.

After the word got out about them monkeys getting loose a full alert went out to the surround area law enforcement agencies. In one instants a family name Gomez were stopped for a short period for questioning, the reason we stopped them says one of the real police que the looked like chagos y feyos.

And finally,As you might remember que the Westinghouse barrio mall third floor is the home of el barrio zoo, where you can find almost anything found in the hood. Well yesterday the zoo was shut down a few hours due to the fact que all twenty newly arrived monkeys escaped from the zoo. Gloria Guerra, mall manager told us que she thinks que they have recovered and captured all the escapees, but has not met con Ramon Ramos the zoo owner about how many monkeys did they really have?

Ok Raza got to go and remember Raza your business is my business and my business is none your business!

hejola report for 07282016

Hejola report for 07282016.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, Texas. Hello again my name is Bill Diaz. For those those are not familiar with cchwnn we are satire barrio news, and make up this news stories. If for some freaking reason our stories sound like someone you know or heard well it just so happened and if think our stories are almost real, than you are much more of a moron than I am. Now for our award winning barrio headline news;

Ten barrio members arrested again over taqucate man, vato man and pokey man.

El compadre finds love again.

And finally some dam good news.

As we all knew and now know that all the stores in the hood have run out of that instant sun orange man tan. You know the one that guy on TV trying to run for some position he can’t even spell! It seems que muchos de la Raza con raspas feel that this menso represents their view, and want to look like him but in some case your too too fat, short and ugly and not even come close to looking like him(look I didn’t say it I heard it somewhere, I am sure someone say that). But to go out a believe que esta way will be the only person to save us from him is him, well that’s another story. So mi Raza con raspas get a life and look beyond your instant tan and go screw yourself, look I didn’t say that someone somewhere said it I am sure.~

Some folks tell us there is a ton of places to find that special person for you and of course for them. So this is the case con Juanita Morales and Pablo T. Algeria both didn’t know each other until last week when somehow and somewhat sat across each other at the bingo house. By the end of the week they both have agreed to live together until 2033 and after that might just get married. El senor Algeria told us it takes time to fall in love.

El constable told us today que barrio folks need to get a life! It seems que the same folks keep coming back to the same spot over and over and over again. The funeral home owners have informed us que the next time ten folk’s show up again he is going to take matters into his own hands, and no there is no one here but dead folks and I am sure they aren’t going anywhere soon.

Ok have a great suntan day….

hejola report for 07272016

Hejola report for 07272016.

Cchwnn

 Kingsville, Texas. Once again mi raza como estan todos, I am bill Diaz con today’s hejola report. Well as we all expected it, el taconaso dance hall went off in a real big bang. It was a sellout crowd and eager for that cyber tejano music. All the groups showed up and did a great job, making us aware of why they are barrio music award winners. And now back to the today’s hejola report:

 El compadre watches over his seven daughters,

La commadre scalps el primo in trying to style his hair,

And finally juanito Johnson gets 30 days in jail for his action inside the courtroom.

 El primito juanito Johnson got 30 extra days added to his nine-month community control sentences at a hearing Monday morning. It seems que juanito apparently didn’t like that so many of his lawyers motions were being denied by the justice of the peace, suddenly reached over and slapped and began strangling his lawyer, until court officers pulled him off.

 In other news la commadre was also giving some type of community services sentence for partially scalping el primo. It seems que el primo was convinced by la commadre to try and style his hair con un pincha power drill, a technique he saw on TV. La commadre was sentenced due to the fact que she knew que it was a bad idea because she had previously screwed up her own hair trying it out. Pesse hejola.

 And finally it was good to see el senior don goyetio Moreno y su seven daughters at our dance last night. Don goyetio is known for watching over his seven beautiful daughters at ever function the family attends. Don goyetio is kind of old fashion where any man wanting to dance con su daughters must ask him for permission there at the dance hall. Our records show que don goyetio has been doing this for over twenty-five years. His oldest daughter is 39 years of age and his youngest daughter is 27 years of age. There is really no plans in the future for anyone of this girls getting married. Ole well.

 Ok raza there you have it for today, I am bill diaz and have a great tejano day.

hejola report for 07262016

Hejola report for 07262017.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,Texas. hello again raza, how in the world can anyone raza vote for the orange man. I am Bill Diaz..

Now for our award winning barrio headline news;

Barrio prepared for the worse.

Ten arrested for trespassing.

And finally some good news.

We found out that taqucha man and vato man will not be on the radar for folks looking for them on their quest to find pokey man!

Ten men and women were arrested along with 22 pets for trespassing into the biggest yard sale held this past weekend. You see the idea was to hold a yard sale that 8 families got together and held it on a vacant lot somewhere in the hood. Well when el constable showed up it seems that the real owner of the vacant lot was wondering what the heck was going on! After a few minutes discussing this matter with the owner he told the constable to arrest as many as he could catch. Once word got out the race was on to catch as many as the constable could. Oh by the way the stuff they left behind that was for sale the owner of the vacant lot claimed it all for rent of his  vacant lot. Charges will be filed.

Yesterday we were informed que additional police were going to be hired to keep their eyes and ears open for pokey man and its friends. With all this unrest the barrio members are being warned que don’t let people into your properties or home looking for whoever and whatever.

Ok raza lock your doors.

hejola report for 07252016

Hejola report for 07252016.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,Texas. hello searchers and lovers, I am Gloria Guerra con today’s award winning barrio headline news:

Barrio in the lookout for pokey-man, taqucha-man, and vato-man.

El constable on alert this past weekend.

And increase in sells sky rocket.

And now darn good bad news.

Well it was going to happen anyhow and it did. Now that we have allowed those new search seekers into our home, one has to wonder how much more will they find out about us?

Gee if things weren’t exciting enough it was this pasted weekend! At least more than 25 cars, trucks, bicycles, and walkers were all out in forces looking for some kind of fortunate, and many might have found it. The event was not looking for MR, Goodbar, but looking for pokey-man, taqucha-man and vato-man became a great sensational event. When was the last time we saw some many folks excited over a reality game? I am not sure it might have been bigger than that time la commadre walked around naked downtown!

El constable Cadena told us que they are thinking about suing someone over this game that makes many people wonder around the hood at all hours of the night and day! Look we got over a 100 or more calls all weekend about people either trespassing, peeping tom, wondering the streets late at night, or just driving around in circles, hiding, sitting at street corners in front of public and religions sites, or just sitting in their cars in front of other residents. Enough is enough he told us que he had to pay overtime to a handful of staff just to stay with the all the calls. Even los vatos locos volunteer firefighters had their hand full with a record breaking number of calls. Someone going to pay for all this!

And finally after the dust settled this past weekend lots of barrio merchants were more than happy than happier reporting to us that everything that could be sold was sold. It’s hard to believe that anyone would complaint about this new seekers searching going on. One of barrio store owners told us que the last time they stayed open 24 hours was when la commadre walked around naked downtown. Sells were way above normal for this time of the year says the barrio chamber of commerce director. Oh yea we are glad this is happening and the growth is good.

Ok raza if your searching don’t come our home we got too many taquhas here already.

hejola report for 07212016

Hejola report for 07212016.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, Texas. hello again I am David Duran con today’s award winning barrio headline news.

Barrio “let me hick a ride partner program” starts today.

Bato’s “go republicans” get their butt kicked for talking about their mother.

And finally gringo tells us about how he first ate tortillas.

Now so darn good news.

Every day now we have learned que el orange man has lost his chit.

It’s not easy being from up east and a gringo found out the hard way. You see he was at a beer joint and was telling the story about the first time he ate a tortilla. The story went this way, you see I ate my first tortilla from a lady named Juanita who actually name was Mary Lou but I couldn’t call her Mary Lou because that’s my wife name so we decided to call her Juantia,  as the story goes he was run out of the beer joint due to being a creap about naming Mary Lou Juanita. You see to the major of gringo we are just  a Jose…..

You see many don’t realize que Hillary name been around and muchos don’t understand whatever you do, don’t talk bad about my mother, well that was the case. Estos way found it easy  to drink beer and starting talking about how awful Hillary was , is and going to be. Well as the discussion continued the two brothers who weren’t there when the discussion started only heard Hillary name and lets hang her! The went over and kick their butts always down the street. Charges will be filed against these two barrio republicans for talking bad about there mother.

Wow are we excited today, the barrio leaders have implemented a new program on how barrio resident can get around that don’t have ways of getting around. You see the old transit program ended 1956 due to lack of funds and was never got refund ( monthly cost of$25dollars), but now “let me hick a ride partner” is an excellent way for those to get around especially across the tracks. So if you have  a car, truck , van, or wagon sign up now so we can contact you to contact us when you are going somewhere so I can get a ride at a very low cost or no cost at all.

Hey like cruz said you vote for who think is a better person.

hejola report for 07202013.

Hejola report for 07202016.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,tx. Hello again, I am back from a small vacation, bill diaz here con today’s award winning barrio headline news:

Compadre rescue by los vato’s locos volunteers.

Barrio family denied lawsuit over rude phone service.

And finally, barrio man charged con snorting bath salts.

Pablo Juan Ocha, was arrested last night and charged with persistent disorderly conduct after he contacted the constable office and told him que he had just snorted bath salts. And he wanted the constable to help him evict the 85 intruders in his home and when the constable got there none were found. But Ocha insisted that the half of the intruders were merely making it seem like they were not there and were actually blending into the surroundings, disguised as tables, tv set, sofa, coffee table, and several lawn chairs and some as trees. El constable was force to taser Ocha when he would not stop running in circles and yelling, “they are coming to take me away, haha,hoho”. The constable by the way did examine the bath salts and determined that the substance is not illegal in the hood. Mr. Ocha was taken to lalalaland hospital for observation.

 

El compadre Martin Gomez was injured yesterday evening when he stopped along wells street, which by the way is under construction, to relieve himself and didn’t notice the 85 foot ditch in which he fell down into. Los vato loco’s fire fighter volunteers were able to rescue him after being trapped for several hours. No charges will be filed. But the hole is still there. (please note don’t thing its them hoe’s on that street but the hole in the street).

Yesterday el barrio justice of the peace rejected a lawsuit against barrio company that make a device that answers your phone in a rude matter when you are not home. The lawsuit states that the phone has been returning calls to relatives and is being rude when it answers the phone. We are sick and tired of this phone and how it’s been treating our friends and relatives. We want our money back in which the company has refused to give it to them. The judge told the suing party that it would be unable to sue due to the fact that they owned the phone for over ten years now.

Ok raza have a great salty day.

hejola report for 07192016

Hejola report for 07192016.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,tx. Hello raza I am David Duran con our award winning barrio headline news:

Vato too hot dies.

Two cats recovered from inside a hot car.

And finally, several injured in a ten bicycle pile up.

It sounded like a great idea, so the Westinghouse barrio mall decided to hold its ninth annual bicycle ride through the hood. In the past any type of an event that included some parts of the hood was kind of risky says one of the organizers. But yet we took the chance again, and well what can we say. A small dog chasing a big cat ran in front of the bicycle pack causing the leader of the pack to sway from hitting the dog or the cat and running into a parking meter that caused him to fall back onto the road where at least 15 bicycle riders ran him over and caused a ten bicycle pile up. Several were injured and charges will be against that little dog and that big cat.

It seems que John Morales didn’t realize que if he left his two cats named dog  in the car they might get too hot and cause some serious inquire to them, well it did and charges are pending. It seems que it took ten people to figure out how to rescue them cats, by just busting out all the windows of his brand  new car. Charges will be filed again him and ten others for breaking in his car and stealing some of his stuff. Chinga.

Yesterday el comparde Leon, passed out and took his last breathe in front of all his families as he moved his lawn. He told one of las commadres que he was feeling hot all over and she told him que she was going to tell his wife that she thought he was coming on to him. But didn’t realize que he was hot and just passed out and died. No charges will be filed.

Ok raza have a great day.

hejola report for 07182016

Hejola report for 07182016.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,tx.  Hello raza I am bill diaz con today’s award winning barrio headline news;

Homemade barrio Slip and slide center closed.

Small group attend little dog memorial funeral services.

And finally young summer programs for adults taking applications.

The park and recreation for adults are taking applications for its summer programs for adults of all ages. The programs that are being offered are the following:

Ages from 30 to 48, swimming, jogging and dating.                                                                                               Ages from 49 to 60, swimming, jogging and bicycle riding and dating.                                                                   Ages from 61 to 89, swimming, jogging, walking and bicycle riding and dating.                                          Ages from 90 to whatever, dating. Anyone interested please contact the barrio community center.                                             

Yesterday the barrio lay to rest that poor little dog that was run over this past weekend. The constable and a handful of volunteers agreed to gather all the little parts of that poor little dog together and gave that poor little dog a little funeral. A little crowd showed up for the little dog funeral in which many left a little donation to buy some little flowers. A little tombstone was placed at the corner of third and wells, where the little dog was buried. Little information is known on who ran over this little dog. A little reward is being offered for information on who ran this little dog over.

And finally It sounded like a good idea but today it wasn’t! yesterday El Vato slip and slide center was force to close its doors due to the fact que several of its customers sled into the street causing some major traffic incidents and a few minor injuries.  The owners told us que they might have placed the end of the slip and slide too close to the street and the retaining wall wasn’t strong enough to hold its sliders in the yard. Charges will not be filed.

 

Ok raza have a great day.

hejolia report for 07152016

Hejola report for 07152016.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, Texas. Hello again I am bill diaz con today’s award winning barrio headline news:

Barrio penny store having half a penny sale this weekend.

Going to college might just be a dream for many.

And finally fight breaks out at the end of young baseball program ceremonies.

Just before the ceremonies ended last night at the annual end of the season program, a couple of parents started a fight over the seating arrangements. Arrested were John and May West, Joel and Mary Western, and Bill and Maria Westoso, all related, were all haul off to jail. The organizer of this event told us que this parents have been a pain in the butt this whole season, and thank god for tonight’s fight that all three couples will be banned for at least one hundred years from baseball.

Yesterday afternoon, el barrio continuing college center informed its student population que tuition was going to be increased by 250 percent this coming fall semester. The cost of getting a college degree is going to be dream for many in the hood. We just don’t know how we are going to be able to pay for that college degree, says Juan Juanito a fifteen year undergraduate. Many are thinking about staying home and earning a barrio degree on line instead. That degree is going for about $12.50 per degree. Huh. Oh by the way  for an extra $3333, you can also get a diploma for that degree.

It seems that it’s happening all over the u.s. that discount stores are seeing their sales decline and the barrio penny stores are no exception to this rule. Ed Mathorn, the owner of el barrio penny stores tells us que sales have been down for the last three months and he is thinking of lower the prices to things that are at a penny per item now. We just don’t know what to do on how to keep above water. Starting this weekend everything inside the store will be on sale for half a penny per item.

Ok raza have an exciting tejano day.

hejola report for 07132016

Hejola report for 07132016.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,tx. Now from our command post here is David Duran,

como estan mi amigo, I am David Duran.

Now con el award winning barrio headline news:

Internet becoming addicted for barrio members,

“Money can buy happiness con mi homme ” results of barrio study,

and barrio farm animal still causing problems,

Constable cadena responded to a barrio motorist's called in for assistances on freeing a chicken that had flown into his car and become tangled in its windshield wipers. And constable cadena was again called to the home of los martinez in which they wanted to report que 50 pigeons had been stolen or flown away. It seems que at least 7 of the pigeons had been killed by passing motorist. It is very important que all the folks in the hood need to move their farm animal out of the city limits.

Yesterday afternoon Maria Mary Jane Gomez Garcia Gonzales announced her new book called “money can buy happiness”. An econometric study of "happiness" found that if a barrio member would have a successful marriage it should bring such a level of joy that those without it would need an additional $10,000 to compensate. She also conclude que Money can buy happiness (but each unit of it is very expensive) by increasing the frequency of sex con el compadre or commadre from monthly to at least weekly this would bring the same happiness as a $500 raise; and those who must buy their sex are the least happy of all, Especially at $50.00 a shot. Wow.

And finally many barrio men and barrio women from the hood have recently have become "addicted" to the Internet and longed for their computers. Said the official, Benny Goodman, "For people who play (Internet) games all night and don't have any friends, don't have any hobbies, and some don’t even come work anymore, and when they do it’s a very big shock, having to work con other people.

There you have it folks. Have a good day, I am David Duran con el cchwnn barrio news.

hejola report for 07122016

 

 

hejolia report for 07122016.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,Texas. Now from our command post down that sunny street with no street lights at night Bill Diaz.... hello or shall I say Heaven-o.. Now for our award winning barrio headline news:

City to continue cracking down on stuff that don't look right in the barrio,

Barrio housing shortage study/petition found in city hall father's closet,

And funeral home makes impact at westinghouse mall...

Our city fathers from across the tracks noticed after the rains que mucho del barrio members belongs got swept across the railroad tracks, making that side of town look like this side of town. What are we to do says one city mother after removing trash and tin cans and other stuff from here front lawn yesterday, by the way who lives across the track, I know she said it’s coming from over there, yes, as she points across the tracks. We need to let them know que their homes and front lawns need to look like ours over here,she cried, not ours looking like theirs. That is why we are proposing que the city pass a law que people lawns and home meet a standard code set by the people living across the tracks. The new proposed law didn’t say which side of town was going to be used as the standard code; we here on this side or they there on that side. Only one major problem, raza, is que el barrio is downhill from the tracks.

Now for some other news,CHICANO CABLE HOT WIRED NEWS NETWORK was provided this weekend from an unknown source A BOX LABELED BARRIO HOUSING RESULTS. It seems que ten years ago la raza passed a petition, that lead to a city hearing, that lead to a study, that lead to a steering committee, that lead to a full committee, that lead to the city recommendation, that lead it to be tabled for the next schedule meeting and was never brought up again.....the results indicated the lack of adequate housing and lack of adequate street development and a bigger problem, lack of adequate drainage and sewer lines and drainage .We here plan to follow-up on this matter at a future city meeting, and we plan on asking them to see the results from that study, but are hoping they don't ask to see those results that we have, chinga…

 

I am more than sure que the city is going to invest a few dollars to do another study on the study that was done . And if they wanted to see the old study, of course it would be impossible due to the fact que we have that study at our office...what a nut shell.....

 We will keep you in touch. And hope to present the city father's with the idea of presenting this study as a result of our study we did....in which you and I know que this study is the study they did but will be presented to them as a new study because not too much has changed since this study was done ten years ago......we will keep you informed...on the result of this study....

 

 And finally, the WESTINGHOUSE MALL management gave el barrio some good yesterday morning, it seems que the mall, that's the WESTINGHOSUE MALL will be opening a new business there. La familia Moya, owners of the chain funeral home in our fine barrio, has decided to move their center office to the mall. La familia Moya will continue its fine service it has provided the hood this passed twenty years, with its reasonable rates, instant credit, and long long term payment plan.... Mr. Moya says People are dying to see us.... come on down and see our new location con muchos give a ways and drawing for a free funeral....wow que onda,,,,hejolia.....

 Well there you have raza . A little bit of heaven, for all of you..

 your business is our business and my business is none of your business".... good day,,,

hejola report for 07012016

Hejola report for 07012016.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, tx. Como estan again I am bill diaz and we are back from that short long ass vacation que we spend too little too much. But we are back in full swing and now let’s get to that award winning headline news:

Barrio man fakes heart attack and arrested and passed away.

Several arrested after barrio Ex, deliver drugs.

And finally, barrio elder gets stuck under her wheelchair.

La senora maria ruiz somehow fell down and brought her wheelchair down with her, when she reached over to get her pill bottle, managed to tip over her wheel chair and fell on top of her. After several days of not answering her phone, her relatives came over to see if she was alright and found her pinned down. El constable tells us que she will be alright. No charges will be filed against the wheel chair.

First of all, seemed que two vatos didn’t realize que you could get into lots of trouble by shipping drugs via barrioEX delivery service. Well known for its great barrio services, it seemed que barrio EX made a small mistake and delivered the 100 pounds of weed to the wrong address. Once el constable was called in, he and his barrio forces 666 posed as barrioEX employess intended to deliver the stuff, they arrested two vatos who’s names are being withheld, oh by the way the weed is been kept as evidence.

It seems que el compadre hector cantu just don’t know when to stop his bull shit. It seems que el compadre was arrested at the Westinghouse barrio mall for faking his 33nd heart attack in ten days. In doing this he has avoid paying a shit load off restaurant bills and taxi fares. El constable cadena was going to let him go after his last attack but it seemed que los vatos loco volunteer firefighters recognized him from his last faked heart attack and decided not to assist him. El compadre said some one is  facing some serious charges due to the fact that Hector did have a heart attack and passed away.

Well raza its good to be back and we are counting down towards tejano roots. It could be our year.