hejolia report for 02282019

Barrio mall newsletters for 03042009. 02282019/
Cchwnn.

Westinghouse barrio mall:

Hello I am Gloria Guerra con our newsletter that we are force to share space with you know who. But putting that all aside let’s get to our mall correspondent General Fideo vermicelli.

Well Gloria things are not going to smooth, it seems que a last year, during the annual clown fest, and a mall customer was hit in the head by a flying dildo and causing extensive head and shoulder injuries. It seems Baudelia Hawkins, tells this report que the mall should have had better security knowing que those clowns are out of control, and she is seeking more that $40,000 in medical bills, and barrio emotional stress and punitive damages. And by the way she gets real upset when she sees clowns. Gloria we will be going to court in the real near future.
Ok thanks General. Now let’s go to our gal Maria la vandia.

Si Gloria, we don’t think that this law suit will hold any ground. But talking about our mall, a group of locos better known as the only barrio poltergeist group “poltergeist de la Tierra de aztlan” will gather this weekend for their first group meeting. The mall has allowed them to stay over night when the mall is close to see if the mall is haunted or any weird poltergeic activities going on while the mall is close. Back to you Gloria boohoos. 
Ok raza there you have it now back to the command post.

Now let’s go to our “ocean front properties mall”, Hi there I am mall manager Hilma Dalia Hawkins, from Hawkins’s barrio properties. We are very pleased to provide you el barrio shopper with the best darn customer services to make your spending money much easier and enjoyable. We consider ourselves the best mall in the hood or better known this side of tracks, attracting customers from all over the county. And we do promise to be friendly, convenient, and promise to maintain our properties both inside and outside and keep the mall area clean and inviting. We have hired real security personnel and do promise to maintain a safe and secure environment
. Have a great day.

hejola report for 02262019

Hejola report for 02252013.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, tx hello raza como estan, I am Bill Diaz con today’s award winning barrio headline news:

Barrio home interior busted.

How to keep your mother in law in check author arrested.

And finally some good news.

Ten little monkeys were rescued yesterday from 32 dogs and 15 cats that were chasing them in the hood. El constable and about 20 brave volunteers were able to catch the majority of them monkeys and were able to fight off some of the homeless dogs. The city  and barrio leaders will discuss this matter at the next city meeting schedule for March 2033.

La commadre Nancy Alaniz was arrested yesterday afternoon when she was displaying her brand new book named “ How to keep your mother in law in check”. One of the ways as explained in her book was to slap the chit of your mother in lawn next time she got out of hand. Well that didn’t go very well with certain mother in laws that confronted Nancy at the mall. In one case Nancy actually slapped a so call mother in law to demonstrate que it don’t take long for your in law to snap and keep her in check. Charges will be filed against her.

 And finally,Yesterday el senor Henry Gomez was arrested as he acted out his own home interior program and had nothing to do with the real so call company. Gomez had been giving his barrio home interior displays in home that folks believe que he was on the up and up. But reality skunk in real quick when those families that had hosted his program were robbed when he went to their family bathroom. He managed to roam around folk home taking whatever he could hind in his pants. Charges will be filed against esta vato.

Ok raza be cool and stay warm.

hejola report for 0222019

Hejola report for 03022016.    02222019.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, tx. Hello again I am bill diaz con today’s award winning barrio headline news:

Main barrio street close for repairs.

First barrio symphony schedule to perform.

And finally go up on everything.

We were just informed que the cost of everything was going to go up now and maybe forever, says our barrio representative Juan Pistolas, Si raza keep a tight look at your wallet porque its going to be more empty than it has ever been.

The first ever barrio symphony has published its spring schedule that will include several performances at the Westinghouse barrio mall and some across the tracks. There will no cost to attend this performance but you will be required to bring your own beer and weed.

Barrio members were informed this morning que major repairs were schedule all this week. Barrio engineer Tomas Sanchez told us que it was going to take about three or more days to paint the cross walks on our main street. Some businesses have complained que closing the main street to paint the cross walks when the city can paint one side of the street at a time, instead of closing down the whole street. City leaders will look into this matter at their next meeting schedule for 2033.

Ok raza have a great day.

hejola report for 02212019

Hejolia report for 03032009.02212019.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, TX. Hi there, I am bill Diaz con today’s award winning barrio headline news:

Primo wakes up on the way to morgue. 

Barrio vato attacks wrong handicap person.

 and finally barrio airways bust barrio family con pets

lala.y la senior Martinez were asked to get off the only barrio airway plane this Saturday when they were trying to sneak ten cats and three dogs on board the 5 passenger plane. They almost had it says captain Mingo, the only license pilot and owner of barrio airways. Si esta gente were trying to be pretty tricky an almost got away with until la seniora seemed to be talking to one off her seven carryon luggage and bags. No charges will be filed but captain Mingo told us que if they are willing to pay extra it’s very possible that they can fly again con barrio airways. 

In other news, Joh Ruiz lost his left arm and right leg in a freak accident about 10 years ago when he got drunk and fell asleep on the rail road tracks and the morning 4:00am train ran over him. Since then he has master some self defense training. But esta vato from the barrio really thought he had a chance of to rip him off late Saturday night when Joh left the only topless bar in the hood. As he hopped down the street esta vato surprised him, that’s when Joh went into action. He turned around and laid some heavy chingos at esta vato head and did a drop kick with his only leg. Esta vato was found knocked out in the middle of the alley around third and wells after Joh informed el constable. No charges will be filed against Joh but esta vato is going to jail, says el constable cadena.

Chinga, if things weren’t bad enough for el primo, better known as el primo, lost his job, lost his wife, lost his home, lost his car, lost his family, lost his cable , lost his t.v., lost his accordion, and all his pets left him. So el primo, based on what the el constables report tried to kill him by smoking ten joints, drinking two cases of beer, three bottles of wine and a wild night con you know who. Well it seems que you know who called el constable to report que el primo was not responding to anything late Saturday night, I mean anything and everything says you know who. Well el constable called los vato’s loco volunteer firefighters who have a little experience dealing con these matters. When los loco’s got there they determined que he might be dead. So they called the real 918, and requested to pick up the body. On his way over to the morgue el primo woke up and walked out of the 1979 ford whatever. No charges will be filed but he is going to be billed for the ride half way there.

There you have it raza, lots of things going on and it seems que things never end.

hejola report for 02132019

Hejola cold weather report for 02172016. 02192019

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,tx. Helllllo its Billl Diaz con our special pincha hejola cold weather report for 02192019. Let go con our weather guy San Juan Nortenio, con the barrio weather reports:

San Juan here con our barrio award winning cold weather headline news:

Homie el taqucha didn’t see his or her shadow.

List of barrio things you shouldn’t do in cold weather.

And finally, barrio shelters are full.

Barrio residents have been told not to come by our barrio community center due to the fact que its already full. We recommend que you stay home or walk around the mall for a few hours and then go home. But whatever you do don’t bother us here. We just don’t have room for anymore persons, said the center director.

There are lots of pendejos (of course in a modest way) in the hood that think they know what to do in cold weather. Regardless if you do or don’t here is our list of somethings you shouldn’t do:

1. Avoid drinking caffeine or alcohol if you think you might have hypothermia or frostbite.

2. Be careful with candles. Do not use candles for lighting if the power goes out. Use flashlights only

3. Inspect fireplaces and wood stoves yearly. Use a sturdy fire screen with lit fires. Burn only wood. Never burn paper or pine boughs or old bills, or that sears catalog you still have around.

4. Then use food from the freezer. A full freezer will keep the temperature for about 48 hours (24 hours if it is half full) if the door remains closed.

5. Check smoke alarms. Make sure alarms are working properly and replace batteries as necessary. And for sure don’t be smoking weed under the smoke alarm, the cops might just come by and ask what’s going on.

6. Remove wet clothes immediately and help warm your core body temperature by wrapping yourself in a blanket con la commadre or drinking warm fluids like hot cider or soup.

Again raza, As temperatures drop, los vato’s locos volunteer firefighters urges residents to take steps to guard against hypothermia and other emergencies common during severely cold weather. This cold front will brings quiet dangers such as brutally cold temperatures, said el mero loca volunteer and everyone, especially senior citizens and children, should take precautions to guard against hypothermia and especially now with the heavy winds and extreme cold,

And finally,Bad news hit the hood today at the barrio traditional Taqucha fest, where Homie el taqucha, the Westinghouse barrio mall pet was suppose too come and look for it’s shadow, pero como it was so cold que esta taqucha didn’t even come out of its hole to see if there was any sun at all. El barrio forecast till Easter keep warn and keep cool. Chinga.

Ok raza I am san juan nortenio and I am bill diaz have a warm tejano day.

hejola report for 02182019

Hejola afternoon report for 02112016.(02182019).

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, Texas. Hello raza I am Gloria Guerra con today’s award winning barrio afternoon report:

Kotex vs Tampons protestors arrested.

Health issue is not an issue says a barrio leader.

Riot breaks out at the corner of third and wells.

And now some real alarming questions?

Why it is that la Raza has joined the republican call to make thing better when things were are as good as they get in the hood? One reason says our creator; pincha gringitos also want a piece of the rock and doing their best to not affiliate themselves as brown folks, because we are whiter that white”! Dang.

If things weren’t bad enough it seems that a herd of chickens and turkeys started a riot at the corner of third and wells protesting and burning their voting id cards. We are not going to vote this election year until we get our way and our way is the highway! We want to make things better than ever, so join us on over way to victory, one bystander yelled “yea to the slaughter house with them”!

Why are we worried about health issues when we haven’t had any issues in the past? Look say the barrio leader as long as las Raza have eggs we don’t need medical insurances puro que it’s just el ojo, which can be cured in a few hours.

 Protestors gather in front of el barrio constable office asking to be arrested due to their complaint that city and barrio leaders are forcing women to go back to using kotex and were going to follow suit that other cities are taxing tampon users. What in the world is going on says Chicana spoke person Maria La Bandia my god we are going backwards and not into the future. When she finished her speech she removed all her clothing and was arrested right there, several women tried to help here from getting put into the constable car but were overwhelmed by barrio security force 666. Several more protestors were arrested and taken to an unknown location.

Ok Raza lock your doors and hind, there coming to take us away, our guns and tampons pincha Trumpas.

hejola report for 02152019

hejolia report for 02192016.

 

 

Hejolia report for 02192016. 02152019

Cchwnn.

Kingsville, texas. Hello again my name is Bill Diaz con today’s award winning barrio headline news:

Barrio rapper arrested.

Ten men and two chickens held overnight protest.

And finally, the big chicken excuse.

Once again the chicken farm owner and operated by Ben OveranKissme, of los chicken locos farm has made a claim que people in the hood would rather have live chickens in their back yard and not comply with the city rules and regulations pertaining to having farm animals living inside the city limits. Mr. Overankissme told this reporter que if this keep up, it just might run him out of business and the state of our barrio, now they want them chickens and other animals given a right to vote, my god!

In other news, For some reason or another, these ten men and two chickens took it on their own to camp out in front of barrio community center to protest the election results from this past Tuesday. Their complaint that was filed stated que out of the 200 persons that voted, 22 were die persons, and who know how many chickens voted , this whole election should not count nor their votes shouldn’t count. Furthermore they felt que the election of el barrio hero, ESTA VATO LOCO, should have never been allowed to be on the ballot on the first place.

 ESTA VATO LOCO  is a bad image for our youths, our community and our county. The reasons they don’t want him was because ESTA VATO LOCO a few years ago believe que marijuana should be the new currency and be used for the exchange of goods. The group leader told us que they will continue their protest until someone does something about this matter. The barrio leaders will look into this matter sometime in 2033.

And finally, Yesterday an arrest warrant was issued for the only barrio rapper left. Mike Torres, aka Christmas rapper was arrested on a complaint que he stole some Christmas gifts that a certain family had hired him to wrap for them. You see Mike, is the only person in the hood that wraps Christmas gifts and other holiday presents if you hire him to do all these wrapping. Charges will be filed.

hejola report for 02132019

Hejola report for 02232015. (02132019)

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,texas. Hello raza I am Gloria Guerra con today’s award winning barrio headline news:

Tamale war is back.

UFO’S conference is coming.

And now some darn good news.

Barrio residents are all excited about this new trend of you people wanting us to believe que they invented everything and anything. That is good and we just hope que they don’t undo things that took a long time to get done. By the way the you hear about that man with one tooth got married than divoreced

La Raza group in our side of town has gather together with another group of Raza from the same side of town have agreed that is time that the hood be prepared for the incoming invasion of aliens and not illegal aliens. Thomas space out Garcia told us que he has more than 82 aliens living in the hood and has invited them to come and tell us about how their plan on taking over our Tejano world. The meeting is schedule for this coming weekend.

Yesterday a petition was setup at every corner of el barrio wanting folks to sign it, to insure que tamale permits will not be require this coming holidays. It seems that some folks still believe que the city leaders are trying to see if they can pass a law outlawing the making of tamales at home. If you see a big tamale posted on the corner of third and wells please sign and send it in. more details later, oh by the way one of the leaders say it doesn’t going to fall apart this year ( referring to a tamale).

Ok raza have a great day.

hejola report for 021202019

Westinghouse barrio mall newsletter 02262015.(0212019)

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,Texas. Hello I am Gloria Guerra con today’s special edition of our mall newsletter:

Mall fires mall mascot and has try out this weekend.

Clown fest gearing up for this spring break.

And now some darn good news.

How can any woman or in some case men lend out their personal sex toys. Well this weekend the barrio recycle department has agreed and has a safety net insult to where all anyone willing to exchange their toys for other toys. The only problem is you have to bring your own plastic gloves to go thru all these toys. An id will be required and must be at least 43 years of age in order to see, exchange, feel, smell or try out any of them toys. Please note that there will be a charge to some of the let me see things and try things. Ok raza, let’s get that groove going. 

The mall would like to invite all the Clown’s in the area to attend this year’s Clown Fest 2019. In the past we have had some major trouble with some clown union from our side of the tracks vs. the unions for the other side of the tracks vs. nonunion clowns and out of town clowns and out of state clowns,. In order to prevent any violence or fights or any kind of misunderstanding we are asking if you are a member of a certain clown union you need to have a deposit on your rent a space, now if you are a non- union clown a larger deposit will be required for just in case you cause some chit. We will also be raffling this year’s best spot at the mall, where by the way Mr. turkey booths was, and there only 100 tickets available but will be only sold to those clowns that can demonstrate that they belong to some clown group or union.  So bring your best and join the rest of the clowns this weekend at Clown Fest 2019, clown.

Mr. Turkey mall’s mascot aka Junior Wally Wally Munoz from wally wally Washington  was fired after he showed up drunk at a children reunion program this past Wednesday, and on another date he was reported seen going in a women bathroom during women’s day back earlier this year. But what broke the camel’s back was he was seen at his usually spot at the mall draining his vein in a paper cup will tending to his usually unexceptionable behavior.

So he/she was fired and now we are looking for the new Mr. Turkey, so if you think you got the wings to do your thing wearing a Turkey outfit, come on down. Interview start on Saturday at around 2a.m., and whatever you do don’t show up with alcohol breathe or drunk or half naked or not knowing your name nor having a weapon or sex toys or animal such as but not limited to sheep, goats or anything that resemble your family!

Ok raza have a great day and hope you enjoy.

barrio stock market report for 02082019

Barrio stock market report for 02222013; 02082019

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,tx. Como estan I am urbano yosabatodo con esta stimulus barrio stock market report. Doesn’t It seems que the new trend is just plain stimulus? Yea that’s the ticket. Everywhere we go its stimulus this and stimulus that. Our society has taken the word stimulus and applied to almost everything possible. Shoot, even those sex enhancement pins have a little stimulus to them. But for now, let’s just try to stimuluate the economic and leave our sex life out of it.

Now for that award winning report:

In the world of buying and selling barrio stock is nothing new to many of us, switching to a new market doesn't mean that they are doing the research that we do. So we don’t expect you to change or change any of your barrio stock market habits. Just hang with us. Ok.

Los tamales, if there is any way to beat el tamale market for this coming xmas season we insist that you buy now. Most tamale brokers are selling their stock at a real low rate this month but preparing to launch an interest on price before you know it. If you can, scoop up as much as you measurably can, all this will guarantee a whole lot of tamales for this xmas season. Oh by the way the tamale guy never came back. Los tamales ended the week at $5.50 a dozen a dollar down from last week.

Las tortillas: With the increase of wheat and gain this market has suffered a bit this month. Since the start of this quarter las tortillas have gotten much better. In terms of not too many found stuck together like several year ago. Who says nobody reads our barrio stock market. The tortilla war of 2005 really made a differences with this market. Las tortillas ended the week at $1.55 a pack.

Los taquitos up ten cents from last week, ended the week at $1.35 each and  coffee is extra. But we found a place here in Kingsville got them going for 2 taquitos for $1.75.

la barbacoa de caberas remained stable, ended the week at $6.50 a lb.

Barrio want ads:

Item 0321545:  used women and men underwear lots of sizes from 12 to 18 in the women’s section and sizes from 36 to 48 waist  for the men section. All sales are final.

Item 030548: used car tires for sell. All sizes only flat on the bottom.

Items 035698: easter chickens, turkeys and rabbits for sale, different colors and size. Some chickens are chicks from last year that weren;’t  sold . now full grown but still some color in them.

Items 038574:  jose lopez t shirts “ put me in jail if I fail” call or write about price and design. Pplease note que this not the joe lopez you think it is, its another vato con that same name, and in jail also. Pesse hejola..

Now for the barrio realtor report:

El primo Mendez tells us que the city is getting ready to knock down a bunch of crack houses, the owners tell us que they would like to know if anyone is interested in pick up the remains of this houses for free. Let us know no charge but there is a transportation tax in our hood.

Ok raza have a great weekend and make sure to go  shopping at our malls.  

hejola report for 02042019

Hejolia report for 02042019.

Cchwnn.

Kingsville,tx. Hello again I am bill diaz con today’s barrio award winning headline news:

Part-time security force employee shoots himself.

La commadre tries to please el compadre topless.

And finally the only deaf barrio resident arrested for using the middle finger.

Charges are pending and jail time also for one of the few deaf persons in the hood. Tom Lucus McCain Trevino, was arrested yesterday afternoon at the corner of third and wells when some folks called el constable that there was someone at that corner showing off his middle finger to all the persons driving by. El constable arrested esta vato. But later released once they found out que he was deaf. He will go to court next week.

It seems que la commadre was so mad que she thought que el compadre, who came home late last night, was at the only barrio topless bar. So she figured que if el compadre wants to see so boobes, she surprised him when he walked inside the house topless. El compadre was real embarrass que all his other compadres had to witness this selfish act, that came home with him to drink a few beers. Charges are pending.

And finally, El ojo barrio private eye academic, will review its standards and rules that allows their want to be private eyes students to care a gun after one of them accidentally shot himself while taking a coffee break at the first floor of el Westinghouse barrio mall last night. We tried to contact el ojo barrio private eye, owner and director of the academic, but did not return our call. It seem que Little Johnnie Flores, ( 350lbs) a student at the academic shot himself with his gun in his pocket , when he tried to pay for his coffee at maria’s lunch stand in the mall. Charges are pending for caring a weapon at a public place. 

Well folks there you have it, I am bill diaz. Have a great Tejano day/